If the global crisis continues, by the end of this year, only 2 Banks will survive.....THE BLOOD BANK AND THE SPERM BANK.....Both these will then MERGE and it will be called....."THE BLOODY FUCKING BANK".....
Showing posts with label Humorous. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humorous. Show all posts
Friday, December 05, 2008
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Punctuation...
An English professor wrote the words:
"A woman without her man is nothing "
on the board and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."......
"A woman without her man is nothing "
on the board and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."......
Tattoo parlor...
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that
she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her
bikini line.
She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry
Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking
good too.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says,
"If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual
tattoos on your thighs?"
She said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time
that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas !!!"
she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her
bikini line.
She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry
Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking
good too.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says,
"If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual
tattoos on your thighs?"
She said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time
that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas !!!"
Winners Versus Losers
These are the differences between Winners and Losers:-
The Winner is always part of the answer;
The Loser is always part of the problem.
The Winner always has a solution;
The Loser always has an excuse.
The Winner says, "Let me do it for you";
The Loser says, "That is not my job."
The Winner sees an answer for every problem;
The Loser sees a problem for every answer.
The Winner says, "It may be difficult but it is possible";
The Loser say, "It may be possible but it is too difficult."
When a Winner makes a mistake, he says, "I was wrong";
When a Loser makes a mistake, he says, "It wasn't my fault."
A Winner makes commitments;
A Loser makes promises.
Winners have dreams;
Losers have schemes.
Winners say, "I must do something";
Losers say, "Something must be done."
Winners are a part of the team;
Losers are apart from the team.
Winners see the gain;
Losers see pain.
Winners see possibilities;
Losers see problems.
Winners believe in win/win;
Losers believe for them to win someone has to lose.
Winners see the potential;
Losers see the past.
Winners are like a thermostat;
Loser are like thermometers.
Winners choose what they say;
Losers say what they choose.
Winners use hard arguments, but soft words;
Losers use soft arguments, but hard words.
Winners stand firm on values but compromise on petty things;
Losers stand firm on petty things but compromise on values.
Winners follow the philosophy of empathy: "Don't do to others what you don't want them to do to you";
Losers follow the philosophy, "Do it to others before they do it to you."
Winners make it happen;
Losers let it happen.
The Winner is always part of the answer;
The Loser is always part of the problem.
The Winner always has a solution;
The Loser always has an excuse.
The Winner says, "Let me do it for you";
The Loser says, "That is not my job."
The Winner sees an answer for every problem;
The Loser sees a problem for every answer.
The Winner says, "It may be difficult but it is possible";
The Loser say, "It may be possible but it is too difficult."
When a Winner makes a mistake, he says, "I was wrong";
When a Loser makes a mistake, he says, "It wasn't my fault."
A Winner makes commitments;
A Loser makes promises.
Winners have dreams;
Losers have schemes.
Winners say, "I must do something";
Losers say, "Something must be done."
Winners are a part of the team;
Losers are apart from the team.
Winners see the gain;
Losers see pain.
Winners see possibilities;
Losers see problems.
Winners believe in win/win;
Losers believe for them to win someone has to lose.
Winners see the potential;
Losers see the past.
Winners are like a thermostat;
Loser are like thermometers.
Winners choose what they say;
Losers say what they choose.
Winners use hard arguments, but soft words;
Losers use soft arguments, but hard words.
Winners stand firm on values but compromise on petty things;
Losers stand firm on petty things but compromise on values.
Winners follow the philosophy of empathy: "Don't do to others what you don't want them to do to you";
Losers follow the philosophy, "Do it to others before they do it to you."
Winners make it happen;
Losers let it happen.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
A picture says a thousand words...
Very thoughtful, ALL FOR LOVE, a picture send to me through email by none other than my lovely wife for this coming festive seasons...
(picture courtesy of KSB)
A lovely picture and I reproduce here for those who are indeed in need of love...merry christmas.
(picture courtesy of KSB)
A lovely picture and I reproduce here for those who are indeed in need of love...merry christmas.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Little Patrick...
For his birthday little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
>His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $180,000 and your mother just lost her job. There is no way we can afford it.
>The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase.
>So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
>Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $180,000 mortgage and no fucking bike !"
>His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $180,000 and your mother just lost her job. There is no way we can afford it.
>The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase.
>So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
>Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $180,000 mortgage and no fucking bike !"
Friday, December 15, 2006
A Good Laugh
Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms
Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?
Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.
so, don’t play play!
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms
Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?
Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.
so, don’t play play!
Differences Between You And Your Boss
Differences Between You And Your Boss
1. When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
2. When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
3. When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
4. When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
5. When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
6. When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
7. When you please your boss, you're ass-kissing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
8. When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
9. When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
10. When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
1. When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
2. When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
3. When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
4. When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
5. When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
6. When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
7. When you please your boss, you're ass-kissing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
8. When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
9. When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
10. When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Why Chinese must not have Christian's name...
I received the following from the email but it would only make sense if you know the chinese dialects in bracket, hahaha...
> Anne Chang ( Mandarin )- Dirty
> Anne Chin ( Mandarin ) - Keep quiet
> Faye Chen ( Mandarin ) - Dusty
> Carl Cheng ( Hokkien ) - Buttock
> Monica Cheng ( Hokkien ) - Touching your buttocks
> Lucy Leow ( Hokkien ) - You are dead
> Jane Tan ( Mandarin ) - Frying eggs
> Suzie Leow ( Hokkien ) - Lost till death
> Henry Mah ( Mandarin ) - Hate your mum
> Corrine Tai ( Hokkien ) - Poor fellow
> Paul Chan ( Mandarin ) - Bankrupt
> Nelson Tan ( Mandarin ) - Bird laying eggs
> Leslie Tong ( Mandarin ) - Rubbish bin
> Carmen Tng ( Hokkien ) - Leg hair long
> Connie Mah ( Cantonese ) - Call your mother
> Danny See ( Hokkien ) - Squeeze you to death
> Rosie Teng ( Hokkien ) - Screws and nails
> Pete Tsai ( Hokkien ) - Nose droppings
> Macy Koh ( Cantonese) - Never die before
> Anne Chang ( Mandarin )- Dirty
> Anne Chin ( Mandarin ) - Keep quiet
> Faye Chen ( Mandarin ) - Dusty
> Carl Cheng ( Hokkien ) - Buttock
> Monica Cheng ( Hokkien ) - Touching your buttocks
> Lucy Leow ( Hokkien ) - You are dead
> Jane Tan ( Mandarin ) - Frying eggs
> Suzie Leow ( Hokkien ) - Lost till death
> Henry Mah ( Mandarin ) - Hate your mum
> Corrine Tai ( Hokkien ) - Poor fellow
> Paul Chan ( Mandarin ) - Bankrupt
> Nelson Tan ( Mandarin ) - Bird laying eggs
> Leslie Tong ( Mandarin ) - Rubbish bin
> Carmen Tng ( Hokkien ) - Leg hair long
> Connie Mah ( Cantonese ) - Call your mother
> Danny See ( Hokkien ) - Squeeze you to death
> Rosie Teng ( Hokkien ) - Screws and nails
> Pete Tsai ( Hokkien ) - Nose droppings
> Macy Koh ( Cantonese) - Never die before
Count our blessings
If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the million who won't survive the week.
If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture or the pangs of starvation, you are ahead of 20 million people around the world.
If you attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death, you are more blessed than almost three billion people in the world.
If you have food in your refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish some place, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.
If your parents are still married and alive, you are very rare.
If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful, you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.
If you can hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder, you are blessed because you can offer God's healing touch.
If you can read this message, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read anything at all.
You are so blessed in ways you may never even know.
This blessing will only keep working if it is continuously passed around. If you are a recipient of a blessing, keep the blessing working by being the source of blessing to other people.
If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture or the pangs of starvation, you are ahead of 20 million people around the world.
If you attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death, you are more blessed than almost three billion people in the world.
If you have food in your refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish some place, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.
If your parents are still married and alive, you are very rare.
If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful, you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.
If you can hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder, you are blessed because you can offer God's healing touch.
If you can read this message, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read anything at all.
You are so blessed in ways you may never even know.
This blessing will only keep working if it is continuously passed around. If you are a recipient of a blessing, keep the blessing working by being the source of blessing to other people.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
10 Commandments for the over 50s
Advice from my friend who send it to me and would like to share it with those who are 50s...
Herein are the great pointers for the 50's Club.
Cheers to the Golden Years ahead.
I. ACT AND BEHAVE YOUR AGE>>>Face and accept the reality of getting old, its consequences, and the limitations which growing old brings. Quit fooling yourself by trying to look like you were in your youth.
II. MOVE ON>>>Focus on enjoying people and not on indulging in/or accumulating material things. Enjoy life and meet new people. Do the things you have always wanted to do but was unable to do so. Follow your dream and your hearts' desire.....
III. PLAN TO SPEND WHATEVER YOU HAVE SAVED> >>You deserve to enjoy it and the few healthy years you have left. Travel if you can afford it. Don't leave anything for your children or loved ones to quarrel about. By leaving anything, you may cause even more trouble when you are gone.
IV. LIVE IN THE PRESENT > >>Live in the here and now, not in the yesterdays and tomorrows. It is only today that you can handle. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow may not even happen.
V. SPOIL YOUR GRANDCHILDREN > >>Enjoy and spoil your grandchildren (if you are blessed with any) but don't be their full time baby sitter. You have no moral obligation to take care of them. Don't have any guilt feelings about refusing to baby sit anyone's kids, including your own grandkids. Your parental obligation is to your children. After you have raised them into responsible adults, your duties of child-rearing and babysitting are finished. Let your children raise their own offsprings.
VI. ACCEPT YOUR HEALTH> >>Enjoy whatever your health can allow. Accept your physical weakness, sickness, limitations and other physical pains. It is a part of the aging process.
VII. RETIRE> >>Enjoy what you are and what you have right now. Stop working hard for what you do not have. If you do not have them, it's probably too late.
VIII. LOVE YOURSELF> >>Accept yourself for what and who you are. People, who truly love you, love you for yourself and not for what you have or for what you can give them. Anyone who loves you for what you have will just give you misery.
IX. FORGIVE AND FORGET> >>Forgive and forget all those who have wronged you. Forgive yourself and others. Forget the slights, hurts, and misfortunes of yesterday. Look towards the future. Enjoy peace of mind and soul.
X. BEFRIEND DEATH> >>Don't be afraid of death. It's a natural part of the cycle of life. Death is the beginning of a new and better life. SO, prepare yourself not for death but for a new life.
Herein are the great pointers for the 50's Club.
Cheers to the Golden Years ahead.
I. ACT AND BEHAVE YOUR AGE>>>Face and accept the reality of getting old, its consequences, and the limitations which growing old brings. Quit fooling yourself by trying to look like you were in your youth.
II. MOVE ON>>>Focus on enjoying people and not on indulging in/or accumulating material things. Enjoy life and meet new people. Do the things you have always wanted to do but was unable to do so. Follow your dream and your hearts' desire.....
III. PLAN TO SPEND WHATEVER YOU HAVE SAVED> >>You deserve to enjoy it and the few healthy years you have left. Travel if you can afford it. Don't leave anything for your children or loved ones to quarrel about. By leaving anything, you may cause even more trouble when you are gone.
IV. LIVE IN THE PRESENT > >>Live in the here and now, not in the yesterdays and tomorrows. It is only today that you can handle. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow may not even happen.
V. SPOIL YOUR GRANDCHILDREN > >>Enjoy and spoil your grandchildren (if you are blessed with any) but don't be their full time baby sitter. You have no moral obligation to take care of them. Don't have any guilt feelings about refusing to baby sit anyone's kids, including your own grandkids. Your parental obligation is to your children. After you have raised them into responsible adults, your duties of child-rearing and babysitting are finished. Let your children raise their own offsprings.
VI. ACCEPT YOUR HEALTH> >>Enjoy whatever your health can allow. Accept your physical weakness, sickness, limitations and other physical pains. It is a part of the aging process.
VII. RETIRE> >>Enjoy what you are and what you have right now. Stop working hard for what you do not have. If you do not have them, it's probably too late.
VIII. LOVE YOURSELF> >>Accept yourself for what and who you are. People, who truly love you, love you for yourself and not for what you have or for what you can give them. Anyone who loves you for what you have will just give you misery.
IX. FORGIVE AND FORGET> >>Forgive and forget all those who have wronged you. Forgive yourself and others. Forget the slights, hurts, and misfortunes of yesterday. Look towards the future. Enjoy peace of mind and soul.
X. BEFRIEND DEATH> >>Don't be afraid of death. It's a natural part of the cycle of life. Death is the beginning of a new and better life. SO, prepare yourself not for death but for a new life.
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